Blessed!

As I sit here crying I finally have realized how blessed I am.

I have always had a problem being adopted. Well I guess not always. But ever since I started to understand it a little better. I've always been angry at the fact that my birth mother left me. That she just kind of tossed me out. Yes, I know, she was poor. But still. It felt like a huge rejection. I've always been bitter at the fact that she never left me anything to remember her by. Not a photo, letter, anything. She didn't want me to know her. I've always hated the fact that I have no birth father. There is no one on the birth certificate. It's always hurt me that he probably doesn't even know I exist or that my birth mother was even pregnant.

Lately I've been really getting depressed over it. Partly because I'm pregnant. And I know how I feel about my babies. And I can't imagine letting them go. Ever. And it's really started to sink in because I'm having a girl. And this bond I already have with her is different from the bond I grew with Elijah. It's just...different. And it made me angry that my birth mother would have me in her for 9 months and then let me go.

But then I started thinking. Does she know? Does she know how much I think of her? Does she remember the baby she gave up? Does she think of me as much as I think of her? And then it hit. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't.

I have been completely blinding myself by all of this adoption stuff that I haven't really seen the family I have right in front of me. My Mom and Dad who were willing to take in a baby that wasn'ttheirs and raise it as their own. Because they had love to give. They didn't care that I wasn't their own child. They only knew that they loved me! How could I have been so selfish. To just think of myself and my own thoughts without thinking of everything they sacrificed to have me into their home. I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD!!!! Not just them, but I love my brothers and sister! Nick, Chelsea, and Christopher are seriously the coolest siblings on the entire planet. And I don't always let them know how much I really appreciate that they don't even see me as their "adopted" sister. But just as their SISTER! And my parents don't see me as their "adopted" daughter. But just their DAUGHTER! I mean, sometimes they even forget that I'm adopted all together. Because that not even a factor in the fact that I am a part of the family. Not their family. But THE family!

And now I have my own little family. I love Robert. I seriously love him! If it wasn't for him, I would have never met Elijah. My son. My blood. The reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I breath! And soon, I will have my daughter, Alessandra. My very own baby girl.

Why have I been searching for a family when they have been right under my nose. I finally am okay. I am finally okay with the person I am. I don't need to look in the mirror and wonder. I don't need to get on google and type in my birth mothers name. Because as much of a part of me unknown, there is a larger part that is everything that I am.

I am so happy. I can't understand even how blessed I am. Just that I am blessed. I've been given such a wonderful and amazing family both in the large and small aspect. What more do I need?

I know who I am now. And I am finally happy. <3