Is This Really Happening?

Well, 7 weeks left. This is getting crazy. As excited as I am, I'm equally nervous. We got Elijah in a toddler bed now so that we can use his playpen for Alessandra. Their room is almost all set up. I only need 2 more things for Ally before she gets here. #1 is bottles. For now just some 4oz. ones. Not a lot either. Probably just a package of 4, since I plan on nursing. Hopefully I be able to go a little longer than 3 months like I did with Elijah.

The last thing I need for the baby is DIAPERS!!! Ahhh!!! Pretty much the most important thing a newborn needs (besides love, hehe). But hopefully we can get some by next month. If we work out Rob's checks right, it should all work out. In a perfect world, I would have 1 package of newborns and at least 2 of the size 1's. I'm happy that I have a few coupons for Pampers. They will definitely come in handy. Plus, I need to get Elijah diapers. Oye. This is getting crazy.

I still can hardly believe that I'm pregnant with #2. I mean, wow. But it will all work out. I know it. And besides, whenever I can't believe I'm pregnant, Alessandra "reminds" me by pushing her butt a little higher into my ribs, haha!

Wow, 7 more weeks. I'm going to give birth, AGAIN, to a baby GIRL in 7 weeks. This is going to be so crazy! I had a boy before, I know boys! Now I have to learn a whole new baby.Eeeep!

Blessed!

As I sit here crying I finally have realized how blessed I am.

I have always had a problem being adopted. Well I guess not always. But ever since I started to understand it a little better. I've always been angry at the fact that my birth mother left me. That she just kind of tossed me out. Yes, I know, she was poor. But still. It felt like a huge rejection. I've always been bitter at the fact that she never left me anything to remember her by. Not a photo, letter, anything. She didn't want me to know her. I've always hated the fact that I have no birth father. There is no one on the birth certificate. It's always hurt me that he probably doesn't even know I exist or that my birth mother was even pregnant.

Lately I've been really getting depressed over it. Partly because I'm pregnant. And I know how I feel about my babies. And I can't imagine letting them go. Ever. And it's really started to sink in because I'm having a girl. And this bond I already have with her is different from the bond I grew with Elijah. It's just...different. And it made me angry that my birth mother would have me in her for 9 months and then let me go.

But then I started thinking. Does she know? Does she know how much I think of her? Does she remember the baby she gave up? Does she think of me as much as I think of her? And then it hit. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't.

I have been completely blinding myself by all of this adoption stuff that I haven't really seen the family I have right in front of me. My Mom and Dad who were willing to take in a baby that wasn'ttheirs and raise it as their own. Because they had love to give. They didn't care that I wasn't their own child. They only knew that they loved me! How could I have been so selfish. To just think of myself and my own thoughts without thinking of everything they sacrificed to have me into their home. I LOVE MY MOM AND DAD!!!! Not just them, but I love my brothers and sister! Nick, Chelsea, and Christopher are seriously the coolest siblings on the entire planet. And I don't always let them know how much I really appreciate that they don't even see me as their "adopted" sister. But just as their SISTER! And my parents don't see me as their "adopted" daughter. But just their DAUGHTER! I mean, sometimes they even forget that I'm adopted all together. Because that not even a factor in the fact that I am a part of the family. Not their family. But THE family!

And now I have my own little family. I love Robert. I seriously love him! If it wasn't for him, I would have never met Elijah. My son. My blood. The reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I breath! And soon, I will have my daughter, Alessandra. My very own baby girl.

Why have I been searching for a family when they have been right under my nose. I finally am okay. I am finally okay with the person I am. I don't need to look in the mirror and wonder. I don't need to get on google and type in my birth mothers name. Because as much of a part of me unknown, there is a larger part that is everything that I am.

I am so happy. I can't understand even how blessed I am. Just that I am blessed. I've been given such a wonderful and amazing family both in the large and small aspect. What more do I need?

I know who I am now. And I am finally happy. <3

LOOONG Time! Mini Update!

Well it's been quite a while since I last posted...And boy-o-boy has a lot changed!

Well, Elijah is obviously not 6 months old anymore. He's 13 months. His birthday was great. A little overwhelming. But overall awesome. He's a super ball of energy. Walking/running around all over the place. He's starting to talk a little bit. But not a whole lot. He says Dada, Mama(if crying), Ah dah when he's "all done" with food, num num for food, and just started hi! He also finally understands waving bye-bye! He's so stinkin' cute!

Aside from my growing little man, I have a growing baby bean in my belly. Yup, preggers again. I'm due September 8th 2009. It's totally crazy. I can't believe I'm pregnant...AGAIN...this soon! But it's all working out great. It's a GIRL! So That makes me happy. Because after she's born, Rob and I are done with babies. At least for 5 years. That's plently of time to see if we want to try again when we're more stable and ready to plan it.

So we decided on a name and it didn't take that long. Strangly when I was looking at names online, all I could think of were girl names. And I'm so happy it's a girl. So her name is going to Alessandra Raquel. Alessandra for my grandpa Al who recently passed away and Sandra for Robby's grandma that passed away 3 years ago. So it's perfect! And then of course Raquel for the middle name because it's my Nana's, Mom's, and my middle name. So of course my little girly has to have it too! lol

Well, that's pretty much the "short" version of an update! Hopefully I'll post more soon!

Eli

Next week Elijah will be 6  months old.

Oh My God.

It seems like just yesterday I was in the hospital. Waiting for him to arrive. Then brining him home. Going to Puerto Rico. And he still wasn't even a month old!

My baby's growing up too fast. I don't like it. I look at him and look at the smiles he has. And the things he can do. He is eating food, sitting up, laughing out loud!

I miss just staring at him while he would sleep. He would sleep so hard that no matter what you did he wouldn't even wake up. Even when I wanted him up. And I would try everything too. Poking him, saying his name, or tickling him. I even tried using a wet wash cloth on his face and body to try and wake him up. But he just laid there.

Now he has such a personality, I don't even know what to do. I can take a toy away and he'll actually get mad. He knows it was his toy and that I took it.

He also knows when Rob or I are home. He sits with me and then as soon as he hears his dad's keys, he looks at the door and then stares at Rob until he says 'Hello' and then Elijah just smiles and laughs. He loves his daddy! It even sounds like he's starting to say mama or dada when we're around. It's so amazing.

I love Eli so much but I'm sad. I feel like these 6 months have gone by so fast. I feel like, somehow, I've missed everything. They really mean it when they say you should cherish those first months. Because they learn so much so fast.

But at the same time,

I can't wait to see what he'll do next!

Adoption Thoughts

So all of a sudden out of the blue, I've been thinking about adoption again. And how I was adopted.

It's really upsetting.

I actually dont even want to talk about it. I dont know why I'm posting this. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm confused.

I tried looking for her today. My birth "mother". I look on the internet. On myspace. Facebook even. I don't even know what the bitch looks like.

whatever.

Work Again

So yesterday I missed work. I've been sick since Monday and it really sucks. All I really want to do is sleep, but I can't. Not only do I have Elijah but I just can't get comfortable. I'm either too hot or too cold. And if it's not that it's because I can only breath out of one side of my nose. I haven't taken any medicine because I need to be awake to take care of Elijah.

I'm just really upset that I had to miss work though. I NEED this job. Rob and I need two incomes to get everything paid. And I called in a 1/2 hour before I had to go in and she said I might get marked down as a no show. And that's really bad! I can't lose this job! Well, that made me more upset so I have started job searching again. Well, just for one place.

I applied at Culver's. A lot of people from McDonalds are going there and one of my new good friends from McDonalds just found out she's going there too! And I don't want to be alone. So I've decided to apply there too. Plus it's like and instant $2.o0 raise. They start off at $9.00.

Well, I hope they don't hate me at McDonalds. I really like my job there and the people. It's just, I was sick! Like, barfy sick. And I don't want to get any costumers sick.

Well, anyway. Elijah is 5 months old. Getting so much bigger! Rob and I are planning on getting a family picture done. Sometime soon!

That's all!

Work

Well I guess I'll only be posting 1 blog a month, haha!

So, I just started working at McDonalds last week and so far so good. I just worked my first closing last night. It went really good. I was tired but I made it through. I was there till 2am. That's 3 hours past my bed time, haha! When I got home it was 2:30 am and I wasn't tired anymore. So I took a shower, which usually makes me tired, and then tried to go to bed. When that failed I got on the computer and updated Myspace and Facebook and Rob woke up and thought I was doing "stuff behind his back" and got all pissed so I shut of the computer.

Whatever.

Anyways, I only got 4 hours of sleep.

Next week, my schedule is M-F, 4-10, 4-close, 4-10, 6-close, 4-1o.

I'm not sure if I'll make it to be honest. It's hard working the closing and then getting home at 2am and then having to get up with a baby at 7am. Especally a baby who decided that he no longer takes morning naps, only afternoon naps, and like to have all eyes on him. So I get no nap. This sucks.

But we need the money. To be honest. Rob needs to get his 2nd job. Or a better paying job. Because, well, he promised me that that's what he would do for his family. But instead he bitches and moans about everything and says I don't do anything during the day. Oh, sorry I'm taking care of OUR baby! He promised me I would be a stay-at-home mom like we had planned and HE would be the MAN of the house and get HIMSELF the 2nd job. But noooooo, all of a sudden when where in a money bind, I'm the one who has to stop how I've been taking care of the baby for 4 fucking months and look for a stupid job that he fucking said he was going to fucking get!!!!!!

...Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I'm going to take a nap.